The love of a mother
is the veil of a softer light
between the heart and the heavenly Father.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My ex and I had a good marriage for 15 years. Our divorce was the result of two people growing apart and being too lazy to fix it. We didn't bicker and argue like some couples do. There was no violence or toxic verbal exchanges, no emotional black mail or secret agenda that was hidden from the other, (like an affair or something like that). We just got burned out on raising a house full of kids/teens, (often-times their friends that had neglectful or abusive parents lived with us too), working full-time, physically exhausting jobs to makes ends meet, dealing with intrusive, busy-body family members, (my ex mother and sister-in-law tops that list), and never having enough left over, (money, time or energy), to treat ourselves to anything enjoyable that was just for the two of us and for the better health of our marriage. The pressure to meet the needs of the children, our jobs, the five-bedroom house, (that his family owned), the demands of his family and bills that sucked up every dime became so heavy that my ex went his way to escape, (usually fishing or out in his workshop), and I escaped by way of the computer.
One day we decided that maybe we should get divorced, (since our marriage had gotten to the point that we lived like room mates, not a husband and wife), and we were reckless, (and burned out), enough to actually do it, (his mother had the papers drawn up and I ended up losing everything). the death of a marriage can be as devastating as the death of a loved one - and the death of my marriage ruined our kids. And being it took place between two excruciatingly painful loses of those we cherished, well, to say we struggle would be a gross understatement.
It's been almost 9 years now but the pain is just as jagged and debilitating as it ever was. I guess I've,..well,..adapted to it, kinda like a person who has to learn how to run marathons after losing their legs or an artist faced with painting a masterpiece after going blind. Oh, it CAN be done, but few have what it takes to pull it off successfully.
I found a way to survive the loss of my mother, marriage and my son by becoming hauntingly reclusive and staying away from people. My four remaining children have a hard time accepting the mother/person I am now and on days like this, the pressure we place on ourselves to gather and function as a "happy", "normal" family, like we did with so much enthusiasm and joy when my son was alive is just too much for any of us to live up to, (especially me). And it becomes such a heavy burden as my children dump all their angst and expectations at my feet, as if I have some magical way to make all the bad stuff just disappear and all the wonderful things and and perfect solutions come alive right before their very eyes. And I know why they do it, because that's the type of mother I was before I died. Yep, I refer to that hideous event in our lives as being the day I died.
The woman/mother I was before my son took his life, that woman, that mother, the one that bulldozed through the bad times and danced to a tune of died at the same exact same moment my son took his last breath. None of my children, (or my ex), are the same people they were before my son passed away. Nine years
later and we're all wrestling with, (and against), these strange, new people we've become, (some doing better than the rest), but nonetheless, still fighting to find
a way to adjust and conform.
Holidays, like Mother's Day, send us all twirling out of control in many different directions. Some of us are fiercely dedicated to forget and deny the past while
others refuse to leave the wretched comfort of it. Some of us lash out at the top of their lungs, pointing brazen fingers of blame while others silently shackle
themselves to the heavy burden of guilt, dragging it behind every aimless step they take.
Some have even threatened to take their own life!
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can make the earth under me rumble and quake as effectively as those words do! We all jump to our feet when this happens, rushing in like highly trained first responders, securing the area, taking control and checking for any signs of life or in this case, checking for any signs of truth behind the threat. And as selfish as it seems, we rush in, fueled by nothing more than sheer panic to save ourselves. We will move mountains if we have to it will keep us from having to live through another nightmare called suicide.
This is who we are as a family now.
We live in the shadow of death as the beat of life goes on. For some of us, these shadows are just an uncomfortable pit stop, a place NOT to linger while others
have dug in while life with some of us mired up to our as it governs admonish and opens up the ground and do what my son did while others wear my son's death like a shroud as they haunt their own life.
Music Selection For This Post
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
